Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Off Roading and Getting There

Lately my submission switch has been firmly in the off position. Steve has been so busy between work and getting my car on the road that he let me go a lot longer than he should have. Even though I knew in my head that his lack of attention was because of everything going on rather than a lack of interest, I started spiraling.

The first sign that he was aware of my off roading and not happy about it came the night before last. I had been on the phone and it was late when I came to bed. I figured he'd be asleep, but he was sitting up in bed with his laptop when I came in. When he put it away, I moved in to snuggle, only to have him say he was tired and roll over, pulling the blanket up over him. Then he said over his shoulder that I was lucky I had been on the phone so long because he was too tired to light me up like he had planned.

You would think a comment like that would have set me back and made me rethink a few things. But submission had flown the coop. So I just said Pfft! and continued my off road expedition.

We talked a little yesterday on the phone but we were both busy so we really didn't get too far. So I have to admit I wasn't really expecting anything when I came to bed last night. To my surprise, after watching TV for a bit, Steve told me to get the cane.

I wasn't exactly thrilled at his choice because I hate that thing, but I didn't complain, just got up and got it for him. It wasn't as bad as I expected. Maybe he was taking it easy on me because the cane hadn't been used much lately or maybe he was just too tired to realize that he was going easy. Afterwards we snuggled for a bit and then he went to sleep.

I couldn't sleep so I laid there thinking for a while. As much as I hated to admit it, he hadn't got me there, that constantly moving point where I truly let go and open up so he can get through. Some days he gets me there in just a few swats or words; other days it takes more effort. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that he had missed that point a few times lately. In hindsight, that's probably why I've been struggling so much.

I knew I needed to talk to him about it, but I wasn't looking forward to it. It's a delicate area and required some tact. I needed to figure out how to tell him without leaving him feeling like I was blaming him for not getting me there.

To my surprise, Steve took the issue right out of my hands this morning. First he mentioned something about getting his paddle out. Then he asked me point blank if the night before had been enough. I was quiet for a minute before telling him no, it hadn't been. He said that's what he figured, but he wanted to hear what I thought.

After I got our daughter off to school, I came back in the bedroom. I knew he was planning on going in to work late because we had to run some errands this morning. Since there was a couple hours before the places we needed to go opened, I figured he'd probably take care of things while we had the house to ourselves. But he just snuggled for a while before getting up to shower. I guess he wanted some time to think about things before he decides on a course of action.

So that's how things stand right now. While I'm tempted to start telling him what I think he should do, I'm staying quiet for now. Me telling him what to do makes me the leader, not him. I want need him to work it out. He knows me well, better than I know myself at times, and I need to trust that he will figure out how to get us both where we need to be.


  1. {{{HUGS}}} It can be so hard when we feel we need to give them advice, but aren't quite sure how to do it so that they don't blame themselves, I struggle with that often. I love though that you're doing your best to trust that he has you and will do what is best.


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