Sunday, January 26, 2014

The Share Decision

I got a lot of great comments to my last post. You guys made some interesting points and gave me plenty of food for thought. I've been thinking about it all week.

I was really struck by the fact that many of you have found it a positive tool for communication. A post may open up discussions, sometimes even before the post is written. It can also give the HoH a chance to point out a view that you might not have considered.

Willie's comment about me always portraying Steve in a rational light, even when his actions were difficult for me, prompted me to go back and reread every post I've written here. I have always made an effort to be fair in my writing about him, but I wanted to be sure. Sometimes it was difficult because I was very upset with him, but from going back and reading, it appears I succeeded.

After a lot of thought and soul-searching, I made my decision. I was going to give him my blessing to read here, but on a trial basis to see if I could still write freely without his voice in my head. I waited until we had some time when we could talk without interruptions and I brought up the subject.

It turns out my worries were over nothing. In fact, there was a completely different intention than I thought when he made the comment. He was not asking if I was okay with him reading what I write, although he did say if I wanted him to read, he would make the time to do it.

Instead his comment stemmed from his concern over me. As most of you know, I hit a rough patch a while back. I'm getting better now, but Steve has been very worried about me. Since he knows that one of my ways of working through things is coming here to write and getting feedback from this wonderful community, he was just curious if I was doing that. When I admitted that I hadn't been doing a lot of blogging lately, he encouraged me to start writing again.

I know that he's not big on reading blogs, even if it is mine, so I'm not going to ask him to read all my posts. But since there are times when him reading here would help us, I will make more of an effort to invite him to read specific posts when it's an issue of me finding it easier to write the words than say them.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Did You Write About That?

Last night I was supposed to get a spanking. I had a pretty good idea it was going to happen even before he mentioned it earlier in the day. After almost two years in this lifestyle, you tend to recognize when you've crossed the line or pushed a particular button one too many times.

But it didn't happen. When we first started this lifestyle, he always had to put the dog out because he is pretty protective of me and would interfere with a spanking. Over time, we've learned that if we wait until he's sleeping under the blanket, he stays out of the way unless I start getting loud. So we laid there for a while watching TV until the dog went to sleep under the blanket.

Then Steve asked if I was ready. Something in his voice must have alerted the dog because he promptly crawled out of the blanket and laid down on Steve's chest.  When Steve nudged him off of his chest, he crawled back under the blanket, but nudged up beside me, leaving his head hanging out so he could keep an eye on things. I have to admit I cracked up at his actions.

Now Steve could have just put him out of the bedroom, but he didn't. Instead, he decided to try to wait the dog out. Needless to say, the dog won. We both fell asleep before he did.

This morning Steve mentioned the spanking that didn't happen. I thought he was going to tell me he would make up for tonight, but he surprised me. He asked me if I had wrote about what happened last night. It surprised me because he's never really asked that before.

He has known about this blog from the very start. From time to time I'll read one of my posts to him or mention a comment someone made on one, but as far as I now, he has never read here.

While he's never really said anything one way or another, I always assumed he looked on this blog as my personal space and a place where I interact with friends. Just like he wouldn't listen in on a phone conversation with an offline friend, he doesn't peek over my shoulder here.

Now he has me wondering if he's subtly asking me to open up to him. I know he could just read what I write himself or insist I read him my posts, but he doesn't. Perhaps this is his way of asking if I'm okay with him doing it.

I'm surprised to find that I have mixed feelings about this. Yes, there have been times when I wished he did read here so he would know what was going on in my head without me actually having to speak the words. It might have made some of our bumpy patches a little smoother if he had saw what I wrote.

On the other hand, there's a freedom in being able to write whatever pops in my head without wondering what he might think of what I wrote. There are times when I sit down to write and it's just a purge of everything I'm thinking or feeling at the time. It's not until after I get it all out, sort through it, mix it up, toss some of it out and tweak the rest that I'm ready to go to him to talk.

So I'm throwing the question out to you guys. I know there are some of you that write together with your HoH, some that write with the knowledge that your HoH is reading and some that have HoHs that aren't aware that you even have a blog about this lifestyle.

What are the pros and cons?

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Update to the Purge

First off, thank you all for your comments.not just on the purge post, but also the one before it. I'm way behind on responding to comments and I'm still trying to catch up on all the blogs I missed so please don't think I forgot you.

I've been doing a lot of thinking since my purge post. That's the great thing about writing it all down. While it may not make sense at the time, it gets all those thoughts out there so you can start processing them. All that helped me get to the point where we could sit down and talk it out. And we did for a good three hours last night.

Steve doesn't think I'm depressed, but he does think I'm a little down and a bit overwhelmed because we've had a lot going on lately. Considering he's saw me go through depression twice-postpartum depression after I had our daughter and regular depression last year following the loss of someone very dear to me-he's in the unique position of knowing exactly what it looks like when it hits me so I'm inclined to agree with him. This stuff lately is similar in some ways but it doesn't feel quite the same.

While he can't really take the stress off of me, he is making efforts to help in other ways. The bedtime rule is back to ensure I'm getting enough rest. While it isn't a rule, he said he wants me eating more regular and healthier. He's after me to cut down on my smoking. And he's working towards being consistently consistent, something he's struggled with at times.

We covered a lot of other stuff in our talk. We even discussed the spanking failure the other night. He said when I kept fighting and pulled away, he decided to stop right then even though the spanking wasn't done because he didn't want either of us to get hurt in the struggle, plus it was clear that it was not helping the situation. In hindsight, I think he made the right decision.

I did eventually get spanked. It was part finishing up from last time and part clearing the slate. He asked before he started if I was going to fight him again. But this time I felt better about it. I wasn't so angry about it and I was in the right headspace. So off we went. He went a little easy and checked in with me several times to make sure I was okay. It ended up being a good spanking (which sounds strange I'm sure) and when it was over, I was happy to crawl into his arms and I actually felt at peace.

Steve is definitely taking the consistency thing to heart. I got woke up this morning to another spanking. I had forgot to pay the power bill and since he was home waiting for supplies to come in for his job, he answered the door when they stuck a disconnect notice in the door. Needless to say, he wasn't thrilled, especially since we had the money to pay it.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Purge Post

I don't even know where to start or if this is even going to make sense. I've written and deleted more posts in the last couple months than I have in nearly two years of blogging. Today I'm just going to keep writing an maybe something will click by the time it's over. Since I have no idea whether this post is going to end up being something or not, you're not going to hurt my feelings if you decide to skip this post. I just need to get it out.

A couple months ago I hit a funk. I got moody, my appetite took a hike, insomnia kicked in and motivation and focus were nowhere in sight. When I couldn't shake it after a week or so, I thought I might be sliding into depression again. Steve and I talked and since neither of us really wanted me to have to go back on medication again, we decided to try to work it ourselves before it got the point that I had to go that route.

He has been amazing. He gave me space when it was clear I wanted to be alone, but if it started going too long, he'd drag me out of the house (figuratively) to go do something so I didn't sit and just wallow. He kept after me to eat. He made sure I got enough rest. He's offered a lot of grace with my slip ups, probably more than he should have in all honesty. He pampered in little ways.

Between everything he was doing and getting past all the stress of the holidays, I thought I'd start to feel more like myself. But I didn't. All of a sudden I was mad at the world. Everything irritated me.  It was like PMS in overdrive. Snappy moved right in and took over. Steve's patience started to wear a little thin.

It came to a head last night. He asked me about something that I was supposed to have done and he had been asking about for a few days. I brushed him off. Out came the paddle and an order to strip down and turn on my stomach.

I just could not do it. In my head, I kept telling myself that he was right and it was needed, but something in me just kept right on refusing. After a minute or two, he realized something was up and asked what was wrong. It's hard to explain something when you don't quite understand it yourself. But he was persistent about the fact it was going to happen so eventually I gave in, but not without a bit of attitude.

That spirit of cooperation flew right out the window with the first swat. I fought him the entire time, which is unusual. While there have been some occasions where I've fought him at first, I usually settle down fairly quick and give in to the fact it's going to happen. That didn't happen this time. I kept fighting, right up until the point I jerked away from him and slid across the bed.

I lay there for a few minutes expecting him to tell me to come back any second, but he didn't. He just stopped. He was quiet for a bit and then he asked what was wrong. All I could think of was that I just wasn't in the right frame of mind for it and that it hadn't worked.

Instead of leaving me all soft and sweet, it irritated me. I was mad at him for spanking me. I was mad at him for stopping before I got to that point where softness and sweetness kicks in. Even more than that, I was mad at myself. I was mad that I had got in trouble. I was mad that I hadn't been able to cooperate. I was mad that I couldn't give in so I could reach that soft, sweet submissive core that used to be so easy to find.

We talked for a while about it, but I'm not sure whether we really got any where. He didn't try to spank again. I'm not sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. So now I'm even more confused and out or sorts than I was to begin with.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

New Year New Meme

I know I've been MIA lately  I've been dealing with some personal issues and let several things go while I did it. Don't worry. Steve and I are doing fine. In face, he's been a rock for me through all this. As soon as I can get the words to come, I'll be back to blogging. In the meantime, here's a meme.

1) What did you do in 2013 that you've never done before?
Hit subspace, made curtains and a quilt

2) Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I really didn't make any last year. This year would be to exercise more patience.

3) Did anyone close to you give birth?
My friend and one of our dogs

4) Did anyone close to you die?
Not this year thankfully.

5) What countries did you visit?

6) What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?
A house that we own rather than rent.

7) What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Feb 2-I spun out on ice and Steve drove through the ice and snow to come rescue me
Apr 29-Our anniversary. Thanks to a toothache I spent the morning in the dentist chair getting a tooth extracted and the rest of the day being pampered by Steve

8) What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Sewing something completely on my own without any help and having it come out halfway decent.

9) What was your biggest failure?
Still not pregnant. We've been trying for 7 years

10) Did you suffer illness or injury?
I'm a clutz and manage to catch every bug that goes around so yeah several.

11) What was the best thing you bought?
I don't really buy much for me aside from books. I prefer to buy for others.

12) Whose behavior merited celebration?
Our daughter's. When she found about a local group auctioning off things to get food for the hungry, she decided all on her own to donate a bunch of her toys to the cause.

13) Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The landlords

14) Where did most of your money go?
Same place it always goes-bills.

15) What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Having Steve to myself for almost a week when our daughter went to stay with family, although I missed her like crazy.

16) What song will always remind you of 2013?
There isn't really one.

17) Compared to this time last year: are you happier or sadder?
About the same I guess.

18) What do you wish you'd done more of?
Spent more time with family.

19) What do you wish you'd done less of?
Holding on to hurts and my stubbornness.

20) How did you spend Christmas?
Christmas Eve with the in-laws. Christmas morning with just the three of us, the afternoon with my side of the family

21) Did you fall in love in 2013?
I fall in love with Steve every day

22) What was your favorite TV program?
Hard to pick just one.

23) Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Hate is a strong word, although there's a few people that I strongly dislike.

24) What was the best book you read?
Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistlestop Cafe. I've watched the movie numerous times over the years, but came across the book in a thrift store one weekend. It answered so many things I always wondered about.

25) What was your greatest musical discovery?
Didn't really have one.

26) What did you want and get?
A new set of pots and pans. I've been getting by with cheapie sets for nearly our entire marriage and Steve splurged on a good set for me for Christmas.

27) What did you want and not get?
A house

28) What was your favorite film of the year?
Fast and Furious 6. Steve got me hooked on the series with the first one and now we eagerly watch each new one as they come out.

29) What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Stayed in with Steve and our daughter. 21, and not for the first time.

30) What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? More money?
More money is always nice, but more time with family would have been great.

31) How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
Casual comfy, but sexy underneath.

32) What kept you sane?

33) What celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I don't really keep up with the celebs.

34) What political issue stirred you the most?
I'm not really political.

35) Who did you miss?
My grandma.

36) Who was the best new person you met?
I'm a homebody so I don't really meet a lot of new people, but Steve's friend and his girlfriend are pretty great.

37) Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013?
Sometimes you're so focused on hearing certain words that you miss the fact the other person is saying it with actions instead.