The more I thought about his comment, the more I realized he was right. Although to be honest, he was right in more ways than he thought. I've been hiding inside my head too.
You see there's a lot of conversation that goes on inside my head that doesn't make it out of my mouth. In some cases, that's a good thing. It gives me a chance to process things so when I do start talking, it makes sense. It also gives me a chance to filter things so I don't say something I regret.
In other cases, it's not such a good thing. Like when I was feeling a bit neglected due to lack of time together (not to mention lack of consistency). I talked to myself so much in my head that I had myself convinced that he doesn't really want TTWD, that he only goes along with it because I want it, that I'm pushing him into being something he's not.
Now I have said these things to him before and he has assured me more than once that this is not the case. But it doesn't stop that self-doubt from sneaking in and telling me over and over again until I start to believe it. A few weeks ago, this nearly led to me calling this whole thing off. Thankfully, something held me back from doing that and we continued on our journey. I did, however, talk to Steve about where my head was and what I came close to doing because of it.
And then there's the times when I
It tells me that if he knows me so well, he should be able to figure it out. It tells me that if he hadn't made the bone-headed move to do away with role affirmation, it wouldn't matter if I couldn't say it because Monday is always just a few days away. (For the record, I have mixed feelings about him doing away with RA and whether I think it's a bone-headed move or not depends on the day. He knows how I feel and we've been talking about it.)
The conversation in my head keeps going in this vein until I've worked up quite a mad over the whole situation. Meanwhile, Steve has no idea why everything has been fine and then all of a sudden I'm ready to rip his head off. All because he didn't hear the conversation that's been going on in my head all this time.
I could keep going with examples of how those internal conversations lead me astray, but you get the drift. Me working out something in my head before talking is fine, but when the conversation stays in my head, it gets to be a problem.
Sunday night, I had worked up quite a mad. Some of it was hormones. Some of it was frustration over spending the entire day alone because Steve and our daughter opted to go to friends' houses rather than have our family day. And a good chunk of it was spending so much time in my head.
I was a bit testy that evening. Steve chalked it up to PMS and chose to ignore it, which actually made things worse. The conversation in my head got even more heated. I was irritated enough to consider pushing his buttons by not doing the dishes before bed. Not only is it a rule that they have to be done each night, but it's also a major peeve of his to have dishes in the sink when he's trying to make his coffee or dump his cooler in the morning.
I spent some time reading through a few blogs in an effort to get my head back where it needs to be. It did help and I did rethink the decision to push buttons. Unfortunately, I stayed up so late reading and trying to get my head straight that it was late when I finally went to bed and I forgot all about the dishes so they still didn't get done.
Yesterday morning when I woke up, I knew I needed to talk to Steve to tell him where my head was and ask for a spanking to reel me back in. But again, I struggle with asking so I decided to wait until he went to work and then text it to him. He didn't go to work. Instead he went on a job interview (yay! keep your fingers crossed for us please.).
He called on his way home to let me know how it had went. I asked what his plans were for the rest of the day, trying to figure out if he had time for me when we got back. My plan was to send my text before he got home if he did. I guess my "oh" response said more than I realized when he informed me that he was going to eat lunch and then go do a side job.
He asked what was up. I backtracked and hemmed and hawed, but enough got through that he caught on and he asked flat out if I wanted a spanking. Once he broke the ice with that question, I could finally open up a little and talk about the fact that I'm feeling extremely moody, out of whack and a bit neglected and I thought it would help.
We had a nice lunch when he got home. About the time that we were finishing up, his phone rang. I could tell from his side of the conversation that it was his friend asking if he was ready to do the side job. Even though I hated to wait after I'd finally told him, I gave him my blessing to go on, telling him a few more hours wasn't going to make a big difference. Surprisingly, just telling him what was going on and hearing him say he would take care of things had helped and I went on to have a pretty good day.
Later that night, I curled up against him on the bed while we watched TV. After a bit, he said it was a shame to give me a spanking after I had did so well that day. Aside from the awesome lunch I made him when he got home from his job interview, I had also did quite a bit of laundry and made some calls that resulted in us saving nearly $800 a year on our bills. Even though it sounded like he had changed his mind about the spanking, I knew he was just saying he was proud of me and was still going to do it.
I have to admit that I was a bit dismayed when Steve pulled the paddle out. Somehow I had thought that he would start with something milder like his hand or the wooden spoon and maybe work his way up to the paddle, especially since I'm on my period right now and my pain tolerance is lower than usual. When I told him that, he reminded me that while I had asked for the spanking, the actual logistics of the spanking was his department and he liked the paddle and he thought I needed it.
In hindsight, I think he made the right choice. Sometimes what I want is not necessarily what I need. Not to mention by reminding me that it was up to him, not me, what was used for the spanking helped reinforce his dominance, something I've not been feeling a lot lately.
He did start fairly mild and let me keep my pajama bottoms on, which is rare. He usually insists on bare bottom from the start. However, my pajama bottoms are made out of a thin, satiny type fabric so it isn't like they offered much protection. He would spank for a bit and then stop to rub and talk. Then he would go again. After a while, he stopped, laying the paddle across my bottom.
About five minutes later, he realized that I still had the pajama bottoms on so he pulled them down and picked up the paddle again. Again, he started fairly mild, although it definitely had more of an impact, and would spank and stop to talk and rub before continuing on. About the time it was getting fairly uncomfortable, my internal resistance broke down and I started spilling everything that had been going on in my head. After a few more swats, he laid down the paddle and just listened.
When I told him that sometimes, especially these past few months, he stops before getting me all the way to the right point (you know the one I mean), he seemed surprised. He said since he hasn't been as consistent as he should and he knows I'm more sensitive when I'm not getting spanked regularly, he's been going a little easier on me, including in the spanking that had just occurred. But he hadn't really realized that in doing so, he was actually taking away from the effectiveness of the spankings.
I told him that perhaps those other spankings would have worked a little better if he had went on a little longer and pushed me a little further, especially since he has a tendency to stop when I start asking him to. Then before I really thought it through, I told him he should keep going with this spanking
So he did. And he was clearly listening to what I said while we were talking because instead of stopping when I started asking him to, he let my tone and the tension in my body guide him. When it was finally over, my bottom was on fire, but he had definitely got me there.
We snuggled for a bit and talked some more. Then, to both of our surprise, I closed my eyes and went right to sleep. I slept like a baby. It's amazing how I fight insomnia on a regular basis, but going to bed well-spanked puts me out like a light.