Wednesday, December 2, 2015

I Think That Ship has Sailed

I think that ship has sailed.

I said those words to Steve a while back. In my heart, I hoped he would disagree. I hoped that he'd say that DD wasn't without its challenges now, but we'd figure it out. I hoped he'd say that it was important enough that he was willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.

But he didn't. He just agreed.

When we talked about putting DD on the back burner a while back, I was on board for it. I figured between moving and figuring out how to work around three more people in the house, it was going to take us a little time to shape it to fit our lives. I didn't imagine that putting it on the back burner was a prelude to it going away altogether.

I've really struggled with my emotions since that conversation. If it had stopped there, I probably could have moved on. But since the random swats, the occasional threats of a spanking and him getting after me over stuff continued, it made it hard. I mean was it still there or not?

Finally I hit my limit. I'm an all or nothing kinda girl and being in limbo drives me up the wall, not to mention messes with my emotions. I told Steve he had to make a decision because I couldn't take the uncertainty. If it was continuing, then we needed to come up with a plan to make it work despite the challenges. It we were stopping, then it was done. No threats. No bossing. No random swats. The only things I wanted to retain from DD was the closeness and improved communication.

He said then it's off the table until my sister and her kids move out. While he's drove me up the wall at times, that was the closest in nearly eleven years together that I came to strangling him. He completely missed the point. It's one thing to put it on the back burner temporarily while one of us is sick or even when we were in the middle of moving and just didn't have the time or energy. It's a whole another thing to put it on the back burner indefinitely.

While my sister finally has a job, she doesn't make near enough money to support herself and the kids. It's unlikely she'll be able to until she's finished with her degree. She'll be graduating with her associate's next summer (me too yay!) so it's going to be months before they're gone. I don't see us going that long and then just picking it back up like we didn't take all that time off.

I think a big part of my frustration is that I can see us continuing DD despite having a houseful of people if only he would change how we do it. I wrote over a year ago about how an over-reliance on spanking had painted us into a corner and left us with no options when spanking wasn't an option. After we had that talk, he tried some other options (with success I might add) such as corner-time, grounding, being sent to the bedroom, and extra chores. And of course there's always the option of using silent implements or waiting to carry out a spanking since we do occasionally get the house to ourselves.

Things kinda went downhill from there. The first week after our discussion, it seemed like he was doing what I asked and leaving the random swats, etc. in the past. By the second week, he was back to doing it. The more he did it, the madder I got. When he tried to pull the HoH card to get his way in something, it lit my fuse. It's one thing for him to pull the HoH card when he's fully embracing the role and caring about my needs. It's a whole different thing to pull it just to get his way without caring about the rest.

When you add in some of the frustration and stress that my sister being here has brought (that's a whole another post in itself), it wasn't long before we started fighting. Now Steve and I have never really been fighters. We get a little snippy with each other once in a while, but full blown screaming matches are extremely rare. To have it happen more than once within a couple days was a sign that something was seriously wrong.

So we sat down and talked again. I'd like to say that fixed everything, but it didn't really. We agreed that my sister is a big part of the problem (both the lack of privacy and the frustration we're both feeling over some other stuff due to her) and he is trying harder not to push my buttons by bringing up DD-related stuff that we both know can't happen right now.

While things are better between us, it's still not smooth sailing. For now, I'm trying to remember that no journey is without its difficulties and working together to get through them will only make us stronger in the end.


Sunday, August 9, 2015

Catching Up

It seems like ages since I've written here. It's been a long summer.

We are finally settling in to our new house. The moving process took a lot longer than we had anticipated. Murphy's Law struck with a vengeance. Friends offered to help us with moving then failed to show up as promised. It was really frustrating, especially since one couple in particular we've helped move twice in the last year. They're talking about moving again and Steve and I have already decided that they're on their own if they do. It rained most days, which severely limited what we could move. If it didn't fit in the cars, we couldn't move it. Then it was a mad rush to get the big stuff moved on the rare day it wasn't raining.

The hot water heater went on the fritz. It took a few days, but Steve was able to get it working without having to buy a brand new one.  Then a malfunctioning toilet combined with a clogged pipe to flood the bathroom, which in turn dripped down and soaked a lot of the stuff we had stored in the basement. So we had to relocate a bunch of stuff to get to the mess, clean it all up and replace the toilet.

A week later, it happened again, only much worse. We finally ended up having to hire a plumber because Steve wasn't able to fix it. Paying for that visit pretty much wiped out Steve's check for the week. Come to find out, not only was a pipe clogged, but there are roots growing into the septic. So we're going to have to have him come back out to inspect the septic to see how much damage the roots have done and determine whether it can be repaired or needs to be replaced. Oh the joys of homeownership.

And of course there were the illness and injuries. Skipping meals because we didn't have time to eat, grabbing whatever we could eat on the run when we got too hungry to keep working and not getting enough sleep weakened our immune systems so both of us got sick. I wrenched my shoulder trying to catch myself when I nearly fell out of Steve's truck. His truck sits high so it's difficult for me to get in to begin with, but I was sore and tired after a long day of moving and lost my balance climbing in. Steve nearly broke a finger unloading furniture and I sliced my thumb open.

If all that wasn't enough stress, the landlord continued to be a pain in the ass to the bitter end. They texted early in the month to tell us they were back in town and ask how much longer we were going to be. Then they continued to text and call several times a day throughout the month asking if we were gone yet. Mind you, we were paid through the end of the month and actually had another month left on the lease if we needed more time.

During our final week, they started making prank calls at all hours. On our last day, I went over while Steve was at work to grab a few last items and do a walk through to make sure we didn't forget anything. They had apparently showed up after we left the night before and were camped out in the shed. I was a little nervous about being in the house with them in the backyard, especially since my daughter was with me, so I rounded up one of Steve's friends to go with me. When Steve got off work, he went over to do a final walk through for anything I missed (a good thing since I forgot some pet food that was in the garage) and turn in the keys.

I am so glad we no longer have to deal with those jerks. We've blocked their numbers on our phones and if we see them out and about (we still live in the same town), I plan on heading the other direction. Thankfully, our new house is on the opposite side of town so we will probably not be running into them very often.

Despite all the stress, we managed to make it through the move without really fighting, which is something that we've never been able to do on previous moves. We did have a few snippy moments, mainly towards the end of the move, but they blew over fast. While DD has been on the back burner for now until we got through the move and figure out how it's going to work with more people in the house, I credit it with the difference.

We still have a lot of work ahead of us. We have to build a fence to keep the kids and the dogs away from the road. We have to build a chicken coop. And we have to deal with unpacking all the boxes that are currently stacked in the house, carport and garage. Unfortunately, the majority of the unpacking will be falling on me since school is starting soon and both Steve and my sister will be working. I get to juggle the unpacking, dealing with all the kids and my own schoolwork. Thankfully, the older kids will be in school during the day so I'll only have one at home with me during the day. I guess it will be a little while before life settles down, but at least I can be stressed in my own home, instead of one rented from jackasses like our last landlords.

Despite all the chaos, we're in love with the new house. I grew up out in the country so living in town was stifling for me. Now that we're back out in the country, I feel like I can breathe again. Less traffic, only two neighbors; it's heaven to me. When things get crazy, I can go sit by the creek and let the sound of flowing water carry my stress away. It's a little late to do a garden this year, but it's definitely on the list for next year now that I have the space to do it. The kids are looking forward to the treehouse Steve is going to build them in the spring.

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Quick Update

Things have been hectic lately so I haven't had much time to write or visit, although I have tried to at least read a few blogs here and there as time has allowed. If you missed my last post, we are now homeowners. Yay!

Our move to the new house was delayed because of a crappy electrician. He was supposed to be finished up before we closed, but didn't get done until over a week after closing (and we actually closed a week later than the original date because of scheduling conflicts). Since we didn't have power until he got done, we were pretty much at a stand still.

We spent the last week refinishing the floors (a lot of work but they're gorgeous), painting and getting the yard ready for all the critters. We still have a couple rooms to paint and will hopefully be able to start moving in furniture at the beginning of the week. Our goal was to be fully moved in before the end of the month so we could avoid paying another month in rent here, but I don't know if it's going to happen.

That stupid electrician really screwed us. He had offered a partial refund for the delay, but when the check arrived, it was a slap in the face. To add insult to injury, we've found a couple things that he was supposed to fix and didn't. Rather than have to deal with him any more, we're just going to fix it ourselves, but we are filing a complaint against him with the state electrician's board.

In other news, my sister and her kids are now living with us. She's left her husband. Steve took a break from working on the new house and went to get all their stuff. She had planned to find a job right away, but since I'll be watching her kids so she can work, we asked her to hold off until we got moved so I'm not trying to juggle moving and watching three kids, one of which is still in diapers.

By mutual consent. DD has been put on the back burner for now. We just don't have time for anything right now, not to mention we're now working around more kids and another adult. I have made some progress on respect, though.

The other day, my father-in-law got in my face and was pretty hateful. Steve tried to intervene, but wasn't successful at getting him to back off. Even though I was pretty sure he wasn't going to interfere if I lost my temper, I stopped myself. While it would have felt great to let my father-in-law have it, I knew Steve would have to deal with the backlash from it. The last time I had words with my father-in-law, he griped at Steve about it for months. So out of respect for Steve, I just walked away without saying a single word.

Of all the work I've done on respect since we started, I think this was the hardest. Even if I had lost my temper, I pretty sure that Steve wouldn't have faulted me for it. He was even ticked off about the whole situation.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

They say a picture is worth a thousand words so here's a few pictures for the day.

Monday, May 11, 2015

Expect the Unexpected

When you've been on this journey nearly almost three years, you have a pretty good idea what to expect. Steve knows what to expect from me and I know what to expect from him. It's very rare for him to throw me for a loop with something.

But he did it today.

If you've been following here a while, you know laundry isn't my strong suit. I tend to forget it halfway through the process or I put procrastinate on it until it's piled up. What makes this issue even worse is the fact that the plumbing in the laundry room strictly limits the number of loads I can do each day. If I cross that limit, water backs up and floods the room (as well as the garage). So it's not a good idea to get behind because it takes forever to catch back up.

This afternoon, Steve started getting on me about the laundry being piled up again. Since we will probably be moving within the next month (fingers crossed), he's been after me to stay on top of it. I have been working on it here and there, although admittedly not as much as I should have been.

So when he called me on it, saying he didn't see where I had done any at all, I tried to explain that I had done some. He didn't seem to believe me, which made me mad. So I threw one of those danger words "Fine!" and told him he could do it himself. Then I stomped off to another room.

He said "Hey!" as the door closed behind me, but I kept going. Sometimes that's all it takes for me to catch myself and apologize, but this wasn't one of those times. When several minutes went by without him coming after me, I figured I was in the clear.

I was wrong.

About fifteen minutes later, my phone dinged. I looked at it and found a text from Steve telling me to go to the bedroom. No TV. No phone. Not even a book. Just to go to the room and think about why I was there.

I have to admit he surprised me, which is probably why I went without even arguing the point.

I was still upset with him for not hearing me so I spent the first five or ten minutes grumbling to myself about it. I mean yes, he was right to fuss at me, but I have a right to be heard. Then the guilt set in.

I asked Steve once why he rarely enforced the rule on respect. I wanted to know if it was because he didn't see disrespect the same way as I did or if it was because he was so used to it that he no longer noticed. He didn't want to answer at first, but I eventually got it out of him that it was because he was used to it. Ever since then, I've tried very hard to show my respect for him. While I've got a lot better about it since then, I still slip up occasionally and it really bothers me when I do.

I'd been in the room nearly twenty minutes when Steve finally came in. Before he could even say a word, I apologized. He lectured and I listened without a single interruption. I didn't even complain when the lecture veered back over to the laundry again. Then, once he was done lecturing, I explained to him why I got upset and he apologized for not listening.

He did tell me I dodged a bullet because our daughter was home. If she hadn't been, he would have came after me and I probably not be sitting right now, at least not comfortably.

Thinking about it now, I realize that sending me to the bedroom was a good move on Steve's part. While I appreciate leniency at times, it sometimes backfires. If he lets something go several times in a row, I'm more like to push it because I figure there's a good chance I'll get away with it. I'm a gambler, remember? In other cases, I get frustrated, which leads to pushing buttons, another bad idea.

He recognized that with our daughter here, we didn't have the privacy needed for a spanking. Rather than let it go, he looked for a more discreet way to handle things. He knew I was mad so he made sure I stayed in there long enough to get past the mad and start thinking straight again. And it worked.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Decisions, Decisions

As of Friday, we are now under contract on the new house. I was so happy when the real estate agent called that I was literally dancing with joy all over the house, waiting on Steve to get off work so he could share in the celebration. I was still dancing around when he got home, right up to the point that he told me that the mortgage guy had called while he was driving home and there was good news and bad news. The good news is the lender is ready to go forward and can have us at closing in under 30 days. The interest rate is also decent.

The bad news is that our payment is going to be higher than we had anticipated. After putting the number into our budget, I freaked. While we can make the payment and our other bills, we'll be left with very little for gas, groceries and any other expenses that come up (auto maintenance, birthdays, prescription co-pays, etc). We do have some savings that can bridge the gap for a little while, but that's not a permanent fix because eventually that money will run out.

Steve wants to go ahead. He thinks he can work an extra shift here or there and take on some side jobs to make up the difference. Without knowing for sure that we will have that extra money coming in, I'm scared we're getting in over our head.

As we debated back and forth over the weekend, I realized that this wasn't just a decision about a house. It was a decision about trust.

When I wrote him that email that started us on this journey nearly three years ago, I told him that I trusted him. I trusted him to lead our marriage and our family. I trusted him to hear out my concerns, but make the decisions that were right for us and our family, even if I disagreed with him on them.

Until now, my trust has never really been tested. Don't get me wrong. We've discussed various issues and he's made the final decision on them, which wasn't always necessarily what I wanted. But those were smaller issues. This is a huge decision.

Steve left it in my hands by saying he won't go forward unless I agree, which left me with a major decision to make. Will I continue to trust that he will make the right decision even if it's hard for me? Or will I yank back my consent for him to make decisions so I can trust in my fears rather than him?

As I'm sure you can imagine, I didn't get a lot of sleep over the weekend. I deal with insomnia on a regular basis to start with. When I'm stressed or worried over things, it get a lot worse. I just can't make my brain turn off so I can go to sleep. I end up laying in bed for hours before giving up on sleep and getting back up.

About four yesterday morning, an idea flitted across my sleep-deprived brain. I trust Steve with my life. I trust him with my daughter's life. In comparison, the decision of whether to trust his judgement on his house seems small.

So before I left to take my last final of the semester*, I told him I needed to talk to him and he gave me his full attention. I didn't have time to go into all the mental workings that got me to where I'm at, but the gist of what I told him is that I trust him to make the right decision for our family, even if it's something that scares me.

He still wants to go forward with it. To make me more comfortable, he did take the liberty of checking into the possibility of extra shifts with his old supervisor and the supervisor of another department that is chronically short-handed. Both said it would be no problem. In fact, one had him come in to work today. We also talked to the mortgage guy and he's sending us a comparison of the loan with various points so we can decide if we want to pay more up front for a lower payment.

Having never bought a house before, I'm finding it has a bit of a learning curve. But I never expected that one of the decisions I would make would have more to do with our relationship than the actual house.

*The final was for the math class that has had me pulling my hair out all semester. I made an 88 on it, which isn't bad considering I took it on no sleep. I had to work my butt off all semester, but I made an A in the class. An A in all my classes in fact so my 4.0 remains intact. Now I'm taking a well-deserved break from school for the summer so I can focus on moving and getting the new house set up.

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Some Needed Stress Relief

As you know, I've been under a lot of stress lately. Another layer got added yesterday afternoon when I spoke to my mom. Both my middle sister and my dad are having major health issues. Prayers would be appreciated.

I have been hinting to Steve since last week that I need him to step up and help me deal with some of this stress. I've told him I'm frazzled, that I'm feeling off balance, that I'm feeling overwhelmed, etc. When he's jokingly said "Do you need a spanking?" when I'm being feisty, I've told him yes. Yet somehow all those clues seemed to go right over his head.

Last night when he was running down his list of things to do today, I told him that I needed him to make some time for me. He agreed and I made up my mind that when we had our time, I was going to crawl across his lap so there was no mistaking what I needed.

When I woke up this morning, I was a little annoyed to find that he wasn't even here. I let it go, figuring I could take the opportunity to work on schoolwork. By the time he finally came home, we had an hour before our daughter would be home and I was in the middle of a test so I couldn't stop what I was doing.

By the time I got done with the test, we were down to around half an hour alone. I was annoyed, which is why I told him to forget it when he said we could take advantage of what time we had left. But he was persistent so I followed him to the bedroom and then stared across the bed at him until it finally clicked in his head what I've been hinting at for a week and he urged me across his lap.

He started slow with just his hand over my pants. Then a few minutes later, the pants came down. Eventually he moved on to the wooden turner, which although it's stingy is more tolerable than the paddle. Whenever it would reach the level that I was struggling to take it, he'd switch back to his hand for a bit. It was somewhat of a leisurely spanking with lots of talking and encouragement. With every swat, I could feel the tension melt away.

When he finished, we were down to just a couple minutes before our daughter's bus would arrive. Then he surprised me by bending me over the edge of the bed for a very quick quickie. Although it was fast, it hit all the right spots and the last of the tension slipped away.

Now I'm feeling calmer and ready to face the world again.

Monday, April 20, 2015

Ask, Don't Dictate

The last few weeks have been a bit hectic. When I sent my daughter off for the week, my plan was not only for time alone with Steve, but also time for me to be able to work uninterrupted on schoolwork. The semester is nearly at an end and I have a couple big projects to finish up, as well as studying for finals. Needless to say, her early return home put a kink in that plan. So I have been scrambling to get everything done in time while working around her.

On top of all this is the house-hunting aspect. I never realized how much work goes into buying a house. There was a ton of paperwork for putting our offer in. Then the seller countered our offer so I spent nearly a whole day negotiating (Steve was at work) to find a number we could all live with. Then we had to redo the offer paperwork to reflect the number we finally settled at.

That's just the house. I'm also gathering all the paperwork for our mortgage and calling around to get quotes on title insurance, homeowners insurance, a lawyer for the closing, someone to do the inspection and probably a few more things that I can't think of right now.

In the midst of all this, I'm also going through stuff and packing. Our lease is up later this year so whether we get into a house of our own or not, we have to be ready to move because there's no way they will let us stay once the lease runs out.

Needless to say, I'm struggling to stay on top of everything and stressed to the max. I was up late last night studying for the two finals I had to do today. I completely forgot about the dishes until I was on my way to bed. It's a rule they have to be done before bed, but I was flat wore out. Normally Steve's pretty lenient about letting them slide if I'm busy and if I ask him first, but he was already asleep so I took a chance and left them. He noticed this morning, but let it go because he knows how busy I am right now.

Today was crazy. I had two finals, a quiz, a discussion and a huge project that were due. I was ready to pull my hair out, but I managed to get it all done. Then I had to scan and upload some more paperwork for our mortgage application. Once again, I was wore flat out, which is probably why I made a critical mistake.

Instead of asking Steve if it was okay for me to leave the dishes another night, I told him that I was leaving them. His response of "Do you want a spanking?" made it clear that I had crossed the line. I did apologize, but not without receiving a warning that in the future I should be sure to ask, not dictate.

I think I will take him up on that spanking though. Even though he let me off with a warning so I'm not in trouble, I need some stress relief.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Some News

So our week to ourselves didn't turn out exactly like we had planned. For starters, our daughter unexpectedly got homesick so we had to go pick her up two days after I dropped her off. The two days she was gone Steve had to work.

Once she was home a few days, she decided to spend the night at a friend's house. Steve and I jumped at the opportunity to salvage at least a little bit of our week alone. But as it turns out, that didn't work so well either. After I dropped her off, I stopped by the grocery store to pick up a few things we needed and somehow managed to pull something in my back while picking up a case of soda. So I spent the night doped up on pain pills. He had to go to work the next morning so that was the end of that.

In other news, the settlement check for Steve's accident finally arrived last week. We had found a house online that we liked and would be able to pay cash for so I set up an appointment to look at it in person. It turned out to have some major drawbacks (bad location, skeevy looking neighbors, among other things) so we ended up not buying it.

Over the weekend, we submitted an application to get pre-approved for a mortgage. While my in-laws did offer to cosign for us, we didn't like all the conditions their offer came with so we figured it was worth a shot to see if we could get one on our own. So we submitted the application, said a prayer and hoped for the best.

On Monday, the mortgage guy called us. We are not only pre-approved at the amount we asked for in the application, but can actually go higher. He gave us the go ahead to start seriously looking at houses and put in an offer if we found one we liked.

That evening, I sat down at the computer and went through all the listings in our price range. We ended up with a list of 20 houses. We've spent the last two days driving all over looking at each one to see whether it was worth setting up an appointment for a tour. By the time we had drove by every one, we were down to just 2 houses.

I called our real estate agent yesterday afternoon and set up an appointment for us to take tours. We looked at both houses this afternoon. Both were nice, but the second one was as close to perfect as we're going to find. It's in a great location and has nearly everything on our wish list. The one thing that it doesn't have is something that was more of a want rather than a must-have.

We liked it so much that we went straight from the house to our agent's office and put in an offer.

Technically our offer is a backup offer since there is already an accepted offer in the system, but the existing offer is contingent on the buyer being able to sell their house before the end of the month. If they can't sell their house in time, their offer expires and then the seller moves on to our offer.

I feel bad saying this, but I'm praying that the other people can't sell their house in time. I want this house. Of all the houses we've looked at, this is the only one that felt like somewhere I'd like to put down roots and stay a while.

So please cross your fingers, say a prayer or send some good vibes our way. If all goes well, we could be homeowners in the next month or so.

Friday, April 3, 2015

Learning Experience

I have a tendency to get worked up when life throws me a curveball. This can bring on a wide variety of emotions from anxiety to fear to anger and everything in between. Steve is my safe place so he usually is the one that gets to deal with these emotions.

Sometimes this can be a problem, though, if I feel like he has some blame for the curveball. When that happens, I have a tendency to vent anger at him instead of to him. As I'm sure you can imagine, that usually doesn't go over well.

Today was one of those curveball days. Since our daughter is out of school next week for Spring Break, she decided to go stay with my sister for a few days so she could hang out with her kids. Since my mom is going to have my other sister's kids for at least part of that time, she'll actually get to spend time with all her cousins on my side of the family, something that she usually only gets to do at Christmas.

Since both of our cars have been a little contrary lately and I don't like driving the truck (not to mention it's a gas hog), it was a bit of a toss up what I would drive for the trip. After some debate, I decided to take the car that has been running better lately.

It ran great all the way there and nearly all the way back. I was almost to our exit when it started acting up. Since sometimes letting it sit for a few minutes will fix the issue, I pulled into the rest area. Halfway into the drive, it died on me. Thankfully the two cars that came flying in behind me saw me in time to stop. Otherwise I would have got hit.

It took me close to five minutes to get it cranked again. The entire time I was praying not to get hit. When it finally caught, I took off with a squeal of tires, something I never do, but I was trying to move in a hurry before I did get hit. I managed to just make it to a parking spot before it died again. Then it wouldn't crank.

Steve's at work so I texted him. I wasn't expecting him to come rescue me, but I was hoping he might have some suggestion so I could get it home.

He didn't answer.

I sent a second text.

Still no answer.

No answer from the third or fourth text either.

By this point, I was getting a bit steamed. I know he keeps his phone in his pocket on vibrate. I never text him while he's at work unless it's important. For me to send four texts in a matter of a few minutes was a clear sign that something was wrong. But he wasn't answering.

Granted, it wasn't a dire emergency. I could have called someone to come get me or just walked three miles down the interstate to get to our house. But it made me mad. And the longer I sat there waiting for a response, the madder I got.

I was still mad when the car finally decided to start so I sent another text.

It said "Don't worry. I fixed it myself." and I included a picture.

Even though I was in a hurry to get home before the car acted up on me again, I had to stop at the grocery store for a couple things. While there was a chance I would get stranded again, the grocery store is literally right around the corner from our house so I chanced it, figuring I could walk home if it didn't want to crank when I came out..

As I was walking around the store, it hit me. I could stay mad and let it carry over and ruin our time together while our daughter is gone. Or I could take it as a learning experience in letting go of anger from life's curveballs.

I chose to take it as a learning experience.


He did eventually text me back and followed it up with a call to make sure I made it home okay. Apparently, although his phone vibrates impressively when sitting on our headboard, it's hard to feel the vibration when it's in your pocket. He didn't even realize I had texted until he went on his break and checked his phone. So I'm glad I chose to let go of that anger.

Saturday, March 28, 2015


I never saw it coming.

For the first time ever, Steve gave me a writing assignment as a punishment. Two pages on why I hadn't done a particular chore (for a few days). I guess he thought I must have an amazing excuse that would completely fill those two pages to explain why I hadn't done it.

But really I only needed two words.

I procrastinated.

I have a long history with procrastination. I even procrastinated while in the womb, not getting around to going through the whole birth process until nearly 3 weeks after I was due to arrive. My habit of procrastination is one of things that led me to propose we give DD a whirl. While DD has helped to some extent, I still have a long way to go.

When Steve got his lunch break, he called to check in on my progress on my assignment. I told him I had worked on it for a while, but it could really be summed up in just two words. He asked what they were so I told him. Then he said he still wanted two pages. Grrr

As you may recall, I'm a college student right now so I have some experience in stretching a paper to fit an imposed limit. But stretching two words to two pages took some real work. I ended up writing a general paper about my habit of procrastination and how we might go about fixing it.

So in honor of my procrastination paper, I'm throwing the topic out to you guys.

Who else has trouble with procrastination?

How have you dealt with it?

How has your HoH dealt with it?

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Answers Round 2

Alice K asked:
What is your favorite outfit from your whole life so far?
If you could change the appearance of 1 thing in the world, what would it look like instead?

In my day to day life, I tend to focus more on comfort rather than style. I do have this one dress that I bought last summer that is one of my favorites to wear. It's brightly colored, which is unusual for me since I normally steer away from bold colors or patterns, but something about it makes my skin glow. I also love the way it's cut, tight at the bodice and then flowing underneath.

My very favorite outfit would be one that I've worn only for Steve. It's a floor length peekaboo gown. Well technically it's ankle length, but I'm short so it's floor length on me. It has strategically placed stripes that hide the important parts, but shows enough skin to be interesting. I bought it for our honeymoon almost ten years ago.

I will never forget the first time I wore it. We had rented a cabin for the weekend and I slipped into the bedroom to change while he was starting a fire. When he turned around and saw me in it, his jaw dropped. It's one of the few times I've ever saw him speechless. Nearly a decade later, it's still working.

As for what I would change the appearance of if I could, that's a tough one. After some thought, I guess it would have to be the mushroom. I'm not sure how I would make it look, but at least it wouldn't look like a cock.

We still have two weeks left of Q&A Month so keep those questions coming.

Monday, March 9, 2015

Clean Slates and Options

As part of our getting back on track efforts, we did a clean slate spanking the other day. Since it had been a while since I had a really good spanking, Steve took it easy on me at first, even letting me keep my pants for half of it. However, I had miscalculated how upset he was over me hiding the implements instead of talking to him about how I was feeling. As a result, he decided to use every single one of them.


One round with the pants. The second round bare.

Needless to say, it was one of those spankings that lingered. The spanking was in the afternoon before he left for work, but my buns were still putting off heat when I went to bed that night. And there were definitely some sore spots the next day.

Given that I was still feeling the effects of that spanking, I tried to be especially careful at getting all my chores done. As soon as he got home, he asked if I'd been good. I quickly ran through the list in my head and said I had.

All was good until we snuggled up in bed and he asked how many loads of laundry I'd done.

Our washing machine broke recently. When it did, it flooded the laundry room, soaking several baskets of clean laundry in the process. I was already behind on laundry. It was a week before the part for my washer came in so I am extremely behind now. The day Steve fixed the washer, he told me I was to do at least two loads a day until we were caught up again. I had done all the other chores on my list, but had forgot about the laundry. As you can imagine, he wasn't pleased.

I was curious about how he would choose to handle it. In our new and improved version of DD, he had three options-(A) spank right then, (B) give another punishment instead or (C) use another punishment for now but include the offense in our weekly settle up meeting. Since I was still sore from our clean slate, I was really hoping he'd choose B or C.

He chose A and, since our daughter was home (although asleep), he chose to use quiet implements. While I'm not a fan of any of our implements, I especially despise the quiet ones because they are stingy.

There are more sore spots now. I don't think I'll be forgetting the laundry anytime soon.

Friday, March 6, 2015

Answers Round 1

Christina asked

If money or time weren't an obstacle and you had access to a private jet, where would you choose to travel to? Would you consider yourselves and your relationship kinky or more to the vanilla (with the obvious hand to bottom activity precluded)?

Since Steve and I rarely get time alone, I'd go for a deserted island where we're the only people around. Aside from that, I'd like to go to Europe and also the Family History Library in Salt Lake City.

We tend to be slightly more to the kinky side. We started dabbling in a little BDSM early in our relationship. Of course the amount of kink we get into depends on the time and privacy we have. Recently it's been more on the vanilla side.

Cat asked:

What four people (and their spouse/partner), living or dead, would you invite for an evening of drinks and dinner?

Angelina Jolie-This ones a twofer. Not only would I get to talk to
someone I admire, but I'd also get to enjoy some eye candy with her hubby Brad Pitt.

My grandparents-They've been gone a few years now, but I miss them dearly.

Rose O'Neal Greenhow-She was a famous Confederate spy during the Civil War and I've always been fascinated by her.

Kenny Chesney-I love his music and he's easy on the eyes.

sub hub in phx asked:

Who, other than your husband, knows intimate (partial or full) details for your marriage? and do you have any desire to be more revealed? Maybe not in your family and social circles, but maybe among a group of like minded people?

Most family and close friends know that we have a more traditional type of marriage, although we don't share the nuts and bolts of how it works. Given that most people we know probably would not really understand, I'm not interested in revealing any more than what they already know (which is very little).

We have discussed the possibility of meeting other couples with similar marriages. In fact, there are two or three couples that live somewhat near us (within a 1-2 hour drive). I'd also love to meet and hang out with some of the awesome people I've met here in Blogland.

Blondie asked:

What fantasy, that you and Steve share, do you think will happen and which one won't?

This was a tough one because we've already explored most of the fantasies we have to date. One fantasy we both have is a threesome. While we're both turned on by the idea, it's going to stay in the realm of fantasy since neither us truly want to invite another person into our bed.

Our other unexplored fantasy is pretty out there so it's unlikely to happen, although if the opportunity arose, we might go for it. We've fantasized about cloning each other. Sex with Steve is amazing so two of him would probably be out of this world. Of course, there's also the side benefit of being able to send his clone to work and my clone to do the housework, leaving us free to enjoy time together.

Roz asked:

What did you first notice about Steve?
Is there any implement you haven't tried and would like to?

There were actually two things that I noticed about Steve. One, that he has a sense of humor. It can be goofy at times, but he's made me laugh many times over the years. Two, that he's young at heart.  He's older than me by more than a few years, but I've always had an old soul. He serves as a counterbalance for me, dragging me out and making me enjoy life.

Offhand, the things we haven't yet tried are the loopy johnny, floggers or anything Lexan. While I'm a little curious about the floggers, I'm not at all interested in trying out any of the other items.

Jan asked:

Is there one spankable offense that you can't seem to help repeating?
Is there anyone in your real life that knows about your DD life?

Pushing buttons comes to mind. While I know it's not productive and is going to get me spanked, I still find myself falling into that trap. Laundry also gets me spanked a lot. It's not that I deliberately set out to not do it (unless I'm pushing buttons of course), but I have a tendency to forget about it, usually about halfway through the process so I end up rewashing a lot.

Nobody in our real life knows about the DD side of our marriage. Most do know that we have a more traditional type of marriage, but we don't share the details because it's unlikely they would understand.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Bring on the Questions

March is Q&A Month here in our community. So if you have any questions you've just been waiting for the opportunity to ask, this is your chance. Ask your questions in the comments and we'll answer them here on the blog in another post.

And just because I'm a bit of a rebel (just ask Steve), I'm throwing out a question for you.

For those of you in a DD/TTWD/BDSM/whatever you label your relationship, what is your favorite moment to date?

For those who haven't made the leap yet, what draws you to this type of relationship?

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Advice for Those Wishing to Add 50 Shades of Kink

To be honest, I have not read 50 Shades of Grey or saw the movie. However, I've heard enough about both to have a general idea of what it's all about. I am not an expert on BDSM and I didn't stay at a Holiday Inn last night, but since DD is a form of power exchange relationship, I feel qualified to offer at least a little advice. So if you've read the book or watched the movie and want to bring a little 50 Shades of kink into your relationship, here's some tips.

Take it Slow

Don't put down the book or walk out of the theater and expect to go right into it. Take some time and talk things out. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page about what you expect to happen.

Do Your Research

You can do serious injury to a partner if you don't know what you're doing. Even something as simple as tying up your partner requires some knowledge so you don't cut off circulation. Spend some time learning about what you want to do. Read books and websites. Ask questions from more experienced BDSM practitioners on blogs and forums. If spanking is part of what you're wanting to do, learn which areas are safe to strike and which should be avoided. No one wants a night of fun to end in the emergency room.

Get Consent

Consent is the cornerstone of any power exchange. The minute you strike someone without their consent, it's assault. Even if a partner has given consent in the past, it's still a good idea to check in with them occasionally to make sure they're still on board. As evidenced by the article I shared yesterday, being arrested and jailed is a very real possibility if you don't take the time to make sure your partner consents.

Use a Safe Word

In the middle of play, it may be hard to tell if someone really means "no" or "stop" or if they're just saying it for effect. A safe word eliminates the ambiguity. When it is used, it means to stop immediately. Pick a word that's unlikely to be said by accident. If your partner uses it, stop right away. Don't wait a minute. Don't finish up whatever you're doing. Just stop.

Know Your Partner

In the heat of the moment, a safe word may be forgotten or the submissive partner may not be in a headspace to even think about a safe word. Know your partner's limits. Pay attention to signs that things may be getting too intense. If you're in doubt, take a break to check in with your partner and make sure they want to keep going.

Recognize that Fantasy and Reality May Not Be the Same

It may be a turn on to fantasize about being tied up and spanked, but it can be very different in reality. On the submissive side, you may find that you don't like the pain or the emotions the experience brings. On the dominant side, you may find that it bothers you to cause your partner pain. There is nothing wrong with those feelings. It's not for everyone. Just chalk it up to experience and keep it in the realm of fantasy.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

50 Shades of WTF

I don't generally watch the news because I find it depressing. I check the headlines online and only read the stories that interest me. This morning as I was lying in bed trying to get motivated to get up, the news came on. I was about to flip the channel when I heard 50 Shades mentioned so I kept it on to see what was going on.

A University of Illinois at Chicago student was being charged with assault after trying to reenact a scene from the movie with a fellow female student. The two weren't dating, but had been intimate in the past. Apparently, he took the girl to his dorm room, tied her up and gagged her before taking a belt to her. When she asked him to stop, he kept going to the point of raping her. When his roommate returned, she took advantage of his distraction to escape and seek help.

You can read the whole story here.

Monday, February 16, 2015

DD 2.0

Quick note: I wanted to thank you for all the prayers and crossed fingers. It worked. The weather held off long enough for us to meet for dinner on Valentine's. It even stayed mild enough that Steve had no problems getting home when he got off work several hours later.

As you know, we've been a bit of limbo. We've been focusing on rebuilding our connection to each other, but not doing much about DD, although we have talked here and there about it. While I knew we would eventually get back there, it still bothered me, which is probably why I found myself unable to sleep at 2 am the other night despite the fact that Steve was asleep beside me.

I got up, figuring I'd work on schoolwork until I got tired enough to sleep. But I was having trouble focusing on my work so I gave up and started browsing the internet. It wasn't long until one link led me to another and then another and another until finally I landed on a DD blog.

It's strange how life comes full circle. The first time I came across the concept of DD, I was following links from one site to another and suddenly found myself on a blog about DD. Fast forward nearly three years later when we're struggling with DD and the exact same thing has happened again.

I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes it's hard to see, but there's a reason in there somewhere. So I took it as a sign and settled in to read. Two hours later, I had one of those aha moments, which in hindsight wasn't really anything new, but something I had figured out a while back and promptly forgot about.

When it comes to DD, we're too dependent on spanking as a method of discipline. It doesn't matter if it's a big issue or a little one, if I'm in trouble for something, I get spanked. The only difference is in the severity of the spanking.

As I thought about this, I realized that in our many discussions about consistency since we started, Steve has often said the same things. Either he doesn't feel comfortable spanking over what he saw as a small issue or that we don't have the time/privacy to spank. I've heard him every time he's said it, but I don't think it really sunk in until now.

By opting to only use spanking, we basically painted ourselves into a corner. If it was a little issue not really bad enough to require a spanking or there were issues finding time or privacy to carry out a spanking, we didn't have any other options. So nothing would happen and I would get frustrated over what I saw as his lack of consistency.

That leads me to my next aha moment. All this time, I've been seeing his lack of action as a lack of consistency. At some point along the way, my brain decided to make a leap from lack of consistency to lack of commitment. That's where the real problems started.

My feelings would be hurt because my head was telling me Steve wasn't committed to us so I'd start pulling away. Then anger would set in and I'd start trying to irritate him. In my heart, I knew this wasn't the right way to handle things, but I was too hurt and angry to pay attention to that. When he still failed to take action, my brain took that as evidence of his lack of commitment and my downward spiral picked up speed.

If I had looked beyond consistency, I would have saw that I was wrong to doubt his commitment to me and to us. The signs of commitment were staring me right in the face.  I was just too focused on consistency to see them.

Now that all this had crystallized in my head, I knew I needed to tell Steve. My plan was to talk to him when we got up. Unfortunately, because I was up half the night with all of this, i didn't get up until shortly before he had to leave for work. In the rush to get his stuff ready, there just wasn't time to sit down for a talk.

After he left for work, I debated about texting him or sending him an email, but this just seemed like too much ground to cover without being in the same room while we did it. So I stayed up until he came in. He did the usual chitchat and then I dove in.

We talked for a long time. He spanked. We talked some more. We watched a little TV and then started talking again. I pulled up one of the posts I had come across the night before and we talked about it. He called a break to make love. Then we talked some more afterwards. All told, we talked off and on for nearly four hours.

I ended up getting only three hours of sleep before I had to get up with our daughter this morning so I'm exhausted. But for the first time in quite a while, I woke up at peace.

Somewhere along the way, we forgot that as we grow and change, DD needs to change with us. We're not the same people that started this journey nearly three years ago. We've outgrown our original version of DD we started with and it's time to upgrade to a newer version. So now we're going to give DD 2.0 a go and hopefully the next time we're due for an upgrade, we can recognize it.

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Happy Valentine's Day!

I hope everyone is having a great Valentine's Day.

We found out earlier in the week that Steve had to work today. Yuck! Rather than get disappointed about it, we decided to get creative. Normally I pack a cooler for him to take to work for his evening meal, but tonight, my daughter and I are meeting him at a restaurant close to his work so we can all eat together. Since he only gets a thirty minute lunch break, we'll get there a few minutes early to order so the food will be waiting when he arrives. It isn't a perfect solution, but at least we'll get to enjoy a meal together on Valentine's.

Of course that all depends on the weather cooperating. Shortly after he left for work, it started snowing. According to the forecast, it's supposed to get continue until the early hours. I'm praying that we'll be able to have dinner and make it back home before the roads get bad. After my adventure in the snow a few years ago, I'm a little leery of it, and Steve has already said he doesn't want me chancing it if the roads are bad.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

I Hate Math

I have spent nearly all day attempting to complete the assignments for my statistics class. I'm still not done and it's due by midnight. As I sit here waiting for my eyes to uncross, I thought I'd share a few pics I found.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Edging Towards Equilibrium

It seems that I wasn't the only one not liking this in limbo situation. While Steve hasn't really said a whole lot about it, he has clearly been thinking about it.

As I mentioned before, Steve has been working nights, which means he sleeps during the day. If I haven't got a lot of sleep, I'll sometimes lay down with him, but most of the time I get up to get our daughter off to school and then stay up. It gives me time to take care of errands, household stuff and my schoolwork while the house is quiet.

Yesterday was one of the days that I stayed up. I spent a little time on Facebook chatting with an old friend and then hit the books. By one, my eyes were crossing and I decided to take a break. Normally I'll play a game or read when I need a break, but I was feeling uncharacteristically clingy so instead I crawled back in bed with Steve, curling up against his back.

As soon as I threw my arm over him, he grabbed my hand and guided it lower beneath the blankets to a welcome surprise. After a few minutes, he told me to roll onto my other side. He snuggled up behind me, wrapping his arms around me and tweaking here and there. I was really liking the direction this was heading.

Then he stopped. I swear the man fell asleep. He was even snoring. I wasn't really sleepy, but I was happy where I was so I stayed put, figuring he'd wake back up eventually.

About fifteen minutes later, the snores stopped. He edged away a little and I felt his hand at the waistband of my pants. He pulled them down, which I was happy to assist with since I figured he was continuing what he started a little earlier. All kind of delicious thoughts filled my head.

Then his hand landed on my left cheek with a crack that sounded like a rifle going off. Before I could even process the fact it had happened, more swats landed. Just when I thought I couldn't take another one on that cheek, he switched to the other cheek. When I started squirming, he threw a leg across mine to pin them. When I reached back, he grabbed the hand. The whole time he lectured.

(For the record, even though I disappeared his implements, I didn't withdraw my consent. I made that clear to him when we talked.)

While it was definitely stingy (it always is when it's been a while), it wasn't really punishment. It was more like role affirmation or a reconnect. When it was over, I was breathless and he was half on top of me. We laid like that for a while and then he took advantage of the fact I was face down with my pants pulled down to continue what he had started earlier. And he did it in a way that made it clear he was fully in charge.

I'm trying hard not to build up expectations based on this one single act. Over the past several months, the few spankings I've received have seemed perfunctory. That's probably why they've failed to have much of an impact. A temporarily sore bottom, sure, but they weren't getting me to that wonderfully soft place I need to be at. This one was different.

Whether it will continue remains to be seen. He did tell me that his work schedule is getting changed yet again. I'm beginning to think someone in the company just gets bored from time to time and says "Hey let's monkey around with the schedule." He's getting switched to a 3-11 shift.

On the surface, it seems like a good change. Right now with him working all night, it's messing with my sleep schedule because I have trouble sleeping without him in bed with me. With the new schedule, he'll be able to be in bed with me at night. In theory, it will also give us some alone time. Since he's been working nights, he's been sleeping during the day and getting up shortly before our daughter gets home from school. If he's able to sleep at night, he'll be up about the time she leaves for school, which will give us several hours alone before he has to leave for work.

Our daughter isn't happy about the change because it will cut down on her time with him. She's very much a Daddy's girl. She already wasn't happy with him working nights since he was asleep when she left in the morning and was only home for about an hour after she got home from school. With this new change, she might get to see him for a little bit in the mornings, but he'll be gone when she gets home and she'll be asleep by the time he gets home.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up that this schedule change will get us back on steadier footing. I did with the last schedule change and that's a big part of why I was disappointed when we didn't get the time together I expected.

For now, we're still somewhat in limbo, but I think we're starting to find a little equilibrium. I'm trying to not look too far into the future. I'm just taking it one day at a time.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

In Limbo

It had been about two weeks since I disappeared the implements. He hadn't said a word. I had tried to be patient, figuring he just hadn't opened that particular drawer yet.

Finally I couldn't take the uncertainty anymore so I conspired to make sure he opened that drawer. I didn't brat my way into a spanking. I just accidentally on purpose put something he uses daily in the wrong drawer so he'd have to go looking for it. Then I waited a day or two before casually asking if he had found it.

Now this was the perfect opportunity for him to comment on what he hadn't found when he opened that drawer. But he didn't. He just said that he'd found it (the thing I purposely put in the wrong drawer) in "the drawer where that other stuff used to be." That was it. He didn't ask where the implements had went and he didn't ask if I needed to talk. He just went on with his day like the last two and half years just hadn't existed.

And I simmered.

I was still simmering a few days later when he made a comment about something. I don't even remember what it was. I just know that it wasn't me that answered. It was Snappy.

I have to admit I was surprised when his response was a threat of a spanking

Before I could even digest my surprise, Snappy retorted that it would be a little difficult considering he didn't have anything to do it with. Then she paused and threw in a question about whether he'd noticed. Another beat and she threw the bomb. Did he even care?

That's when it happened.

 I've mentioned before that I have a tendency to bottle until it all comes flying out. That was tame compared to what happened. This time was more like a volcano erupting. It all came out. Not just my hurt and anger over the past couple weeks, but everything that had been building up for months. It probably didn't help that I was hormonal and dealing with a major toothache.

Once it started coming out, there was no stopping it. I cried. I yelled. I think I even cussed him out at one point. After it was all over, we sat down and talked. The next day I read him my last post and we talked some more.

But we're still not back to normal. It's like we're stuck in limbo at the moment. We both agree that we don't want to go back to the way things were before DD. But until we can figure out how to adapt to where we're at now, we can't move forward.

I know for me, with or without DD, I need the reassurance of knowing he cares. That means figuring out a way to maintain consistency if we continue DD or making time for us and maintaining those little gestures if we decide to let it go.