Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Advice for Those Wishing to Add 50 Shades of Kink

To be honest, I have not read 50 Shades of Grey or saw the movie. However, I've heard enough about both to have a general idea of what it's all about. I am not an expert on BDSM and I didn't stay at a Holiday Inn last night, but since DD is a form of power exchange relationship, I feel qualified to offer at least a little advice. So if you've read the book or watched the movie and want to bring a little 50 Shades of kink into your relationship, here's some tips.

Take it Slow

Don't put down the book or walk out of the theater and expect to go right into it. Take some time and talk things out. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page about what you expect to happen.

Do Your Research

You can do serious injury to a partner if you don't know what you're doing. Even something as simple as tying up your partner requires some knowledge so you don't cut off circulation. Spend some time learning about what you want to do. Read books and websites. Ask questions from more experienced BDSM practitioners on blogs and forums. If spanking is part of what you're wanting to do, learn which areas are safe to strike and which should be avoided. No one wants a night of fun to end in the emergency room.

Get Consent

Consent is the cornerstone of any power exchange. The minute you strike someone without their consent, it's assault. Even if a partner has given consent in the past, it's still a good idea to check in with them occasionally to make sure they're still on board. As evidenced by the article I shared yesterday, being arrested and jailed is a very real possibility if you don't take the time to make sure your partner consents.

Use a Safe Word

In the middle of play, it may be hard to tell if someone really means "no" or "stop" or if they're just saying it for effect. A safe word eliminates the ambiguity. When it is used, it means to stop immediately. Pick a word that's unlikely to be said by accident. If your partner uses it, stop right away. Don't wait a minute. Don't finish up whatever you're doing. Just stop.

Know Your Partner

In the heat of the moment, a safe word may be forgotten or the submissive partner may not be in a headspace to even think about a safe word. Know your partner's limits. Pay attention to signs that things may be getting too intense. If you're in doubt, take a break to check in with your partner and make sure they want to keep going.

Recognize that Fantasy and Reality May Not Be the Same

It may be a turn on to fantasize about being tied up and spanked, but it can be very different in reality. On the submissive side, you may find that you don't like the pain or the emotions the experience brings. On the dominant side, you may find that it bothers you to cause your partner pain. There is nothing wrong with those feelings. It's not for everyone. Just chalk it up to experience and keep it in the realm of fantasy.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

50 Shades of WTF

I don't generally watch the news because I find it depressing. I check the headlines online and only read the stories that interest me. This morning as I was lying in bed trying to get motivated to get up, the news came on. I was about to flip the channel when I heard 50 Shades mentioned so I kept it on to see what was going on.

A University of Illinois at Chicago student was being charged with assault after trying to reenact a scene from the movie with a fellow female student. The two weren't dating, but had been intimate in the past. Apparently, he took the girl to his dorm room, tied her up and gagged her before taking a belt to her. When she asked him to stop, he kept going to the point of raping her. When his roommate returned, she took advantage of his distraction to escape and seek help.

You can read the whole story here.

Monday, February 16, 2015

DD 2.0

Quick note: I wanted to thank you for all the prayers and crossed fingers. It worked. The weather held off long enough for us to meet for dinner on Valentine's. It even stayed mild enough that Steve had no problems getting home when he got off work several hours later.

As you know, we've been a bit of limbo. We've been focusing on rebuilding our connection to each other, but not doing much about DD, although we have talked here and there about it. While I knew we would eventually get back there, it still bothered me, which is probably why I found myself unable to sleep at 2 am the other night despite the fact that Steve was asleep beside me.

I got up, figuring I'd work on schoolwork until I got tired enough to sleep. But I was having trouble focusing on my work so I gave up and started browsing the internet. It wasn't long until one link led me to another and then another and another until finally I landed on a DD blog.

It's strange how life comes full circle. The first time I came across the concept of DD, I was following links from one site to another and suddenly found myself on a blog about DD. Fast forward nearly three years later when we're struggling with DD and the exact same thing has happened again.

I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes it's hard to see, but there's a reason in there somewhere. So I took it as a sign and settled in to read. Two hours later, I had one of those aha moments, which in hindsight wasn't really anything new, but something I had figured out a while back and promptly forgot about.

When it comes to DD, we're too dependent on spanking as a method of discipline. It doesn't matter if it's a big issue or a little one, if I'm in trouble for something, I get spanked. The only difference is in the severity of the spanking.

As I thought about this, I realized that in our many discussions about consistency since we started, Steve has often said the same things. Either he doesn't feel comfortable spanking over what he saw as a small issue or that we don't have the time/privacy to spank. I've heard him every time he's said it, but I don't think it really sunk in until now.

By opting to only use spanking, we basically painted ourselves into a corner. If it was a little issue not really bad enough to require a spanking or there were issues finding time or privacy to carry out a spanking, we didn't have any other options. So nothing would happen and I would get frustrated over what I saw as his lack of consistency.

That leads me to my next aha moment. All this time, I've been seeing his lack of action as a lack of consistency. At some point along the way, my brain decided to make a leap from lack of consistency to lack of commitment. That's where the real problems started.

My feelings would be hurt because my head was telling me Steve wasn't committed to us so I'd start pulling away. Then anger would set in and I'd start trying to irritate him. In my heart, I knew this wasn't the right way to handle things, but I was too hurt and angry to pay attention to that. When he still failed to take action, my brain took that as evidence of his lack of commitment and my downward spiral picked up speed.

If I had looked beyond consistency, I would have saw that I was wrong to doubt his commitment to me and to us. The signs of commitment were staring me right in the face.  I was just too focused on consistency to see them.

Now that all this had crystallized in my head, I knew I needed to tell Steve. My plan was to talk to him when we got up. Unfortunately, because I was up half the night with all of this, i didn't get up until shortly before he had to leave for work. In the rush to get his stuff ready, there just wasn't time to sit down for a talk.

After he left for work, I debated about texting him or sending him an email, but this just seemed like too much ground to cover without being in the same room while we did it. So I stayed up until he came in. He did the usual chitchat and then I dove in.

We talked for a long time. He spanked. We talked some more. We watched a little TV and then started talking again. I pulled up one of the posts I had come across the night before and we talked about it. He called a break to make love. Then we talked some more afterwards. All told, we talked off and on for nearly four hours.

I ended up getting only three hours of sleep before I had to get up with our daughter this morning so I'm exhausted. But for the first time in quite a while, I woke up at peace.

Somewhere along the way, we forgot that as we grow and change, DD needs to change with us. We're not the same people that started this journey nearly three years ago. We've outgrown our original version of DD we started with and it's time to upgrade to a newer version. So now we're going to give DD 2.0 a go and hopefully the next time we're due for an upgrade, we can recognize it.

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Happy Valentine's Day!

I hope everyone is having a great Valentine's Day.

We found out earlier in the week that Steve had to work today. Yuck! Rather than get disappointed about it, we decided to get creative. Normally I pack a cooler for him to take to work for his evening meal, but tonight, my daughter and I are meeting him at a restaurant close to his work so we can all eat together. Since he only gets a thirty minute lunch break, we'll get there a few minutes early to order so the food will be waiting when he arrives. It isn't a perfect solution, but at least we'll get to enjoy a meal together on Valentine's.

Of course that all depends on the weather cooperating. Shortly after he left for work, it started snowing. According to the forecast, it's supposed to get continue until the early hours. I'm praying that we'll be able to have dinner and make it back home before the roads get bad. After my adventure in the snow a few years ago, I'm a little leery of it, and Steve has already said he doesn't want me chancing it if the roads are bad.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

I Hate Math

I have spent nearly all day attempting to complete the assignments for my statistics class. I'm still not done and it's due by midnight. As I sit here waiting for my eyes to uncross, I thought I'd share a few pics I found.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Edging Towards Equilibrium

It seems that I wasn't the only one not liking this in limbo situation. While Steve hasn't really said a whole lot about it, he has clearly been thinking about it.

As I mentioned before, Steve has been working nights, which means he sleeps during the day. If I haven't got a lot of sleep, I'll sometimes lay down with him, but most of the time I get up to get our daughter off to school and then stay up. It gives me time to take care of errands, household stuff and my schoolwork while the house is quiet.

Yesterday was one of the days that I stayed up. I spent a little time on Facebook chatting with an old friend and then hit the books. By one, my eyes were crossing and I decided to take a break. Normally I'll play a game or read when I need a break, but I was feeling uncharacteristically clingy so instead I crawled back in bed with Steve, curling up against his back.

As soon as I threw my arm over him, he grabbed my hand and guided it lower beneath the blankets to a welcome surprise. After a few minutes, he told me to roll onto my other side. He snuggled up behind me, wrapping his arms around me and tweaking here and there. I was really liking the direction this was heading.

Then he stopped. I swear the man fell asleep. He was even snoring. I wasn't really sleepy, but I was happy where I was so I stayed put, figuring he'd wake back up eventually.

About fifteen minutes later, the snores stopped. He edged away a little and I felt his hand at the waistband of my pants. He pulled them down, which I was happy to assist with since I figured he was continuing what he started a little earlier. All kind of delicious thoughts filled my head.

Then his hand landed on my left cheek with a crack that sounded like a rifle going off. Before I could even process the fact it had happened, more swats landed. Just when I thought I couldn't take another one on that cheek, he switched to the other cheek. When I started squirming, he threw a leg across mine to pin them. When I reached back, he grabbed the hand. The whole time he lectured.

(For the record, even though I disappeared his implements, I didn't withdraw my consent. I made that clear to him when we talked.)

While it was definitely stingy (it always is when it's been a while), it wasn't really punishment. It was more like role affirmation or a reconnect. When it was over, I was breathless and he was half on top of me. We laid like that for a while and then he took advantage of the fact I was face down with my pants pulled down to continue what he had started earlier. And he did it in a way that made it clear he was fully in charge.

I'm trying hard not to build up expectations based on this one single act. Over the past several months, the few spankings I've received have seemed perfunctory. That's probably why they've failed to have much of an impact. A temporarily sore bottom, sure, but they weren't getting me to that wonderfully soft place I need to be at. This one was different.

Whether it will continue remains to be seen. He did tell me that his work schedule is getting changed yet again. I'm beginning to think someone in the company just gets bored from time to time and says "Hey let's monkey around with the schedule." He's getting switched to a 3-11 shift.

On the surface, it seems like a good change. Right now with him working all night, it's messing with my sleep schedule because I have trouble sleeping without him in bed with me. With the new schedule, he'll be able to be in bed with me at night. In theory, it will also give us some alone time. Since he's been working nights, he's been sleeping during the day and getting up shortly before our daughter gets home from school. If he's able to sleep at night, he'll be up about the time she leaves for school, which will give us several hours alone before he has to leave for work.

Our daughter isn't happy about the change because it will cut down on her time with him. She's very much a Daddy's girl. She already wasn't happy with him working nights since he was asleep when she left in the morning and was only home for about an hour after she got home from school. With this new change, she might get to see him for a little bit in the mornings, but he'll be gone when she gets home and she'll be asleep by the time he gets home.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up that this schedule change will get us back on steadier footing. I did with the last schedule change and that's a big part of why I was disappointed when we didn't get the time together I expected.

For now, we're still somewhat in limbo, but I think we're starting to find a little equilibrium. I'm trying to not look too far into the future. I'm just taking it one day at a time.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

In Limbo

It had been about two weeks since I disappeared the implements. He hadn't said a word. I had tried to be patient, figuring he just hadn't opened that particular drawer yet.

Finally I couldn't take the uncertainty anymore so I conspired to make sure he opened that drawer. I didn't brat my way into a spanking. I just accidentally on purpose put something he uses daily in the wrong drawer so he'd have to go looking for it. Then I waited a day or two before casually asking if he had found it.

Now this was the perfect opportunity for him to comment on what he hadn't found when he opened that drawer. But he didn't. He just said that he'd found it (the thing I purposely put in the wrong drawer) in "the drawer where that other stuff used to be." That was it. He didn't ask where the implements had went and he didn't ask if I needed to talk. He just went on with his day like the last two and half years just hadn't existed.

And I simmered.

I was still simmering a few days later when he made a comment about something. I don't even remember what it was. I just know that it wasn't me that answered. It was Snappy.

I have to admit I was surprised when his response was a threat of a spanking

Before I could even digest my surprise, Snappy retorted that it would be a little difficult considering he didn't have anything to do it with. Then she paused and threw in a question about whether he'd noticed. Another beat and she threw the bomb. Did he even care?

That's when it happened.

 I've mentioned before that I have a tendency to bottle until it all comes flying out. That was tame compared to what happened. This time was more like a volcano erupting. It all came out. Not just my hurt and anger over the past couple weeks, but everything that had been building up for months. It probably didn't help that I was hormonal and dealing with a major toothache.

Once it started coming out, there was no stopping it. I cried. I yelled. I think I even cussed him out at one point. After it was all over, we sat down and talked. The next day I read him my last post and we talked some more.

But we're still not back to normal. It's like we're stuck in limbo at the moment. We both agree that we don't want to go back to the way things were before DD. But until we can figure out how to adapt to where we're at now, we can't move forward.

I know for me, with or without DD, I need the reassurance of knowing he cares. That means figuring out a way to maintain consistency if we continue DD or making time for us and maintaining those little gestures if we decide to let it go.