Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Advice for Those Wishing to Add 50 Shades of Kink

To be honest, I have not read 50 Shades of Grey or saw the movie. However, I've heard enough about both to have a general idea of what it's all about. I am not an expert on BDSM and I didn't stay at a Holiday Inn last night, but since DD is a form of power exchange relationship, I feel qualified to offer at least a little advice. So if you've read the book or watched the movie and want to bring a little 50 Shades of kink into your relationship, here's some tips.

Take it Slow

Don't put down the book or walk out of the theater and expect to go right into it. Take some time and talk things out. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page about what you expect to happen.

Do Your Research

You can do serious injury to a partner if you don't know what you're doing. Even something as simple as tying up your partner requires some knowledge so you don't cut off circulation. Spend some time learning about what you want to do. Read books and websites. Ask questions from more experienced BDSM practitioners on blogs and forums. If spanking is part of what you're wanting to do, learn which areas are safe to strike and which should be avoided. No one wants a night of fun to end in the emergency room.

Get Consent

Consent is the cornerstone of any power exchange. The minute you strike someone without their consent, it's assault. Even if a partner has given consent in the past, it's still a good idea to check in with them occasionally to make sure they're still on board. As evidenced by the article I shared yesterday, being arrested and jailed is a very real possibility if you don't take the time to make sure your partner consents.

Use a Safe Word

In the middle of play, it may be hard to tell if someone really means "no" or "stop" or if they're just saying it for effect. A safe word eliminates the ambiguity. When it is used, it means to stop immediately. Pick a word that's unlikely to be said by accident. If your partner uses it, stop right away. Don't wait a minute. Don't finish up whatever you're doing. Just stop.

Know Your Partner

In the heat of the moment, a safe word may be forgotten or the submissive partner may not be in a headspace to even think about a safe word. Know your partner's limits. Pay attention to signs that things may be getting too intense. If you're in doubt, take a break to check in with your partner and make sure they want to keep going.

Recognize that Fantasy and Reality May Not Be the Same

It may be a turn on to fantasize about being tied up and spanked, but it can be very different in reality. On the submissive side, you may find that you don't like the pain or the emotions the experience brings. On the dominant side, you may find that it bothers you to cause your partner pain. There is nothing wrong with those feelings. It's not for everyone. Just chalk it up to experience and keep it in the realm of fantasy.


  1. This is a great post Dana, excellent advice and I totally agree.


  2. Great post, however, is there a reason you are against reading the books or seeing the movie? I was for a long time, then when I read them, the inexperience at sex or love of the female character together with the growth into being able to give and receive love by the male character really made it into a love story. Since I like spankings, I was curious about that aspect of it. Since there aren't many movies out there openly about all of this, I think plenty of people will enjoy them. I do hope some don't get in over their heads and regret trying new things out though.

    1. I read an excerpt from one of the books, but couldn't get past the poor writing. It's a major peeve of mine. As far as the movie, our local theater closed a while back so I would have to drive about half an hour to the nearby city to see it. I'm just not interested enough to bother. Not to mention, we've been getting slammed with snow lately so I've barely left the house. The furthest I've been is to the store on the corner and it's close enough I can see it from my front porch. We'll probably watch it once it hits DVD or the premium channels.

  3. Excellent points Dana! You have the same pet peeve I have regarding poor writing in books! LOL I don't care how interesting the story is...if it is poorly written, I keep editing it in my mind and totally lose the story. *snicker*

    Hugs and Blessings...

  4. Great advice. thanks for sharing. K

  5. That last one is a slow one to really understand and not just read, you know? Took me a this and I agree with all of it, especially taking it slow!


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