As of Friday, we are now under contract on the new house. I was so happy when the real estate agent called that I was literally dancing with joy all over the house, waiting on Steve to get off work so he could share in the celebration. I was still dancing around when he got home, right up to the point that he told me that the mortgage guy had called while he was driving home and there was good news and bad news. The good news is the lender is ready to go forward and can have us at closing in under 30 days. The interest rate is also decent.
The bad news is that our payment is going to be higher than we had anticipated. After putting the number into our budget, I freaked. While we can make the payment and our other bills, we'll be left with very little for gas, groceries and any other expenses that come up (auto maintenance, birthdays, prescription co-pays, etc). We do have some savings that can bridge the gap for a little while, but that's not a permanent fix because eventually that money will run out.
Steve wants to go ahead. He thinks he can work an extra shift here or there and take on some side jobs to make up the difference. Without knowing for sure that we will have that extra money coming in, I'm scared we're getting in over our head.
As we debated back and forth over the weekend, I realized that this wasn't just a decision about a house. It was a decision about trust.
When I wrote him that email that started us on this journey nearly three years ago, I told him that I trusted him. I trusted him to lead our marriage and our family. I trusted him to hear out my concerns, but make the decisions that were right for us and our family, even if I disagreed with him on them.
Until now, my trust has never really been tested. Don't get me wrong. We've discussed various issues and he's made the final decision on them, which wasn't always necessarily what I wanted. But those were smaller issues. This is a huge decision.
Steve left it in my hands by saying he won't go forward unless I agree, which left me with a major decision to make. Will I continue to trust that he will make the right decision even if it's hard for me? Or will I yank back my consent for him to make decisions so I can trust in my fears rather than him?
As I'm sure you can imagine, I didn't get a lot of sleep over the weekend. I deal with insomnia on a regular basis to start with. When I'm stressed or worried over things, it get a lot worse. I just can't make my brain turn off so I can go to sleep. I end up laying in bed for hours before giving up on sleep and getting back up.
So before I left to take my last final of the semester*, I told him I needed to talk to him and he gave me his full attention. I didn't have time to go into all the mental workings that got me to where I'm at, but the gist of what I told him is that I trust him to make the right decision for our family, even if it's something that scares me.
He still wants to go forward with it. To make me more comfortable, he did take the liberty of checking into the possibility of extra shifts with his old supervisor and the supervisor of another department that is chronically short-handed. Both said it would be no problem. In fact, one had him come in to work today. We also talked to the mortgage guy and he's sending us a comparison of the loan with various points so we can decide if we want to pay more up front for a lower payment.
Having never bought a house before, I'm finding it has a bit of a learning curve. But I never expected that one of the decisions I would make would have more to do with our relationship than the actual house.
*The final was for the math class that has had me pulling my hair out all semester. I made an 88 on it, which isn't bad considering I took it on no sleep. I had to work my butt off all semester, but I made an A in the class. An A in all my classes in fact so my 4.0 remains intact. Now I'm taking a well-deserved break from school for the summer so I can focus on moving and getting the new house set up.