Thursday, January 28, 2016

I Have a Secret

We have a secret. Well we actually have a few, but this is one we plan to let our friends and family in on in another month or so. We haven't even told our daughter yet because we know she's incapable of keeping a secret. For now, it's too big to keep totally quiet so Steve gave me the okay to share it here.

As most of your guys know, Steve and I have been trying to conceive another child for several years now. We had a miscarriage shortly after we started trying, but nothing has happened since. We got our hopes up several times, but it just wasn't happening.

Last summer when we were moving into our new house and came across all the baby stuff I had saved from my daughter, I finally accepted that it probably wasn't going to happen and agreed to let go of it. I sold or gave away most of the bigger stuff.

There wasn't enough time for me to go through all the bins of clothing to figure out what I wanted to save so we brought them with us when we moved. Steve set them up on a shelf in the garage until I could go through them. That's where they've stayed because school, unpacking and taking care of kids has kept me too busy to do anything else.

A few weeks ago, the kids came down with a stomach bug. Even my daughter, who rarely gets sick, was laid up for several days. It wasn't long until Steve and my sister got it as well. I was feeling pretty confident that I wouldn't get it because the last few bugs had missed me (thankfully since I end up taking care of everyone else), but I got it.

It knocked me on my butt. Even after everyone else was back on their feet, I still wasn't back to my usual self. I was queasy and all I wanted to do was sleep. Steve, my sister and my best friend started joking that I was pregnant. I blew them off. I told them if I was, we'd find out when I went into labor because I wasn't wasting the money on another pregnancy test, having spent a fortune on them over the past nine years only to get my hopes dashed.

Despite having made my peace that it probably wasn't going to happen, their joking was bothering me. So on Tuesday when I was at the dollar store, I bought a cheapie test to prove that they were wrong so they'd shut up about it.

I added my sample to the test and sat down on the toilet to wait three minutes for the results. Only a minute in, I looked over and nearly fell off the toilet when I saw this.

Once I regained my balance, I stared at the test for the rest of the time. I double and triple-checked it against the instructions, walked away for a minute and then came back and looked again. My eyes weren't deceiving me.

We're pregnant!!!!!!!

I was planning on waiting until Valentine's to tell Steve, but I didn't make it. We were talking when he came in from work that evening and he gave my tummy a rub, asking how his boy was. The rest of the conversation went like this:

Me: You really think there's a boy in there?

Steve: Yes.

Me: And when is he going to arrive?

Steve: (thinking for a minute) September.

Me: About September 10th you think?

Steve: Yes.

Then he got quiet as it dawned on him that I had given him a specific date (I did one of those online due date calculators to get it). His eyes got really big. He looked at me, down to my stomach and then back up at me. Then he gave me a hug and kissed my belly. Later that evening when we went to bed, he curled up against me with his hand on my stomach and stayed like that the entire night. He is over the moon about it.

We're going to tell our daughter once we get a little further along and are sure this baby is going to stick. She's been asking for a baby brother or sister (or both!) for several years now so she's going to be thrilled. We're going to to give her this shirt as an early birthday present. since there's no way we can keep it quiet until her actual birthday.

We'll take a picture of her in it and send the pics to everyone as our announcement.

Tuesday, January 19, 2016


A few mornings ago, Steve asked me a question. It was one I hadn't heard in a while, the question being a regular part of our check-ins and even occasionally serving as a warning to me when DD was in full swing.

Who's the boss?

At one point in time, my answer was easy. He was. If my answer was anything different, he would ask again to pinpoint whether I was just being feisty or if we needed to sit down and talk to be sure we were on the same page.

But things have changed since those days. When DD was put on the back burner as a temporary thing, we could maintain those roles. Spanking or any other punishments were off the table, but he was still in charge.

When Steve decided to take it off the table indefinitely, I had a hard time with it. After several talks that went nowhere, I had to make a change to keep my sanity. I had to put it it all behind me and that meant he could no longer be my gauge for behavior and attitude. I was the boss of me. It's the only way I could move forward.

I still talked decisions over with him. After all, I did that long before we added DD to the mix. We've had a few bumps here and there, but for the most part, we worked through them. Eventually, we found a happy medium that wasn't the couple we were before DD but also not the couple we were with DD. That probably makes absolutely no sense.

So when he woke me out of a dead sleep and asked me that question, it threw me. I knew the answer he expected, but I just couldn't give it to him. My answer seemed to surprise him.

Have you ever practiced a conversation in your head over and over until you reach the point where you almost feel like you've already had the conversation? I have done it a couple times and I remember feeling surprised that the other person wasn't on the same page because we hadn't actually had that conversation. I think that's what happened.

So he repeated the question and got the same answer. He quickly responded with a swat and asked again. Apparently our communication and being in sync has suffered since DD was taken off the table because it took a few rounds of this before we figured out this could go on for hours without us getting anywhere. So we did what we should have done in the first place. Talk.

Moving forward, we're going to try to make DD work. We can survive without it, but we're a lot better with it.

It's not without its challenges though. My sister and her kids are still living with us so we're not only having to work around them, but also deal with the stress them being here has brought. I guess we're just going to take it one day at a time.