Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Deep Thoughts

I've been debating for a while about taking down this blog. I thought I no longer had anything to offer here. I was wrong.

I started DD with stars in my eyes. I saw all these happy couples who seemed to have it all figured out. They made their relationship a priority. They truly communicated. They were happy. Yes, there was an occasional meeting face down across a knee, but once it was over, all was forgiven and they continued on their merry way.

I wanted that.

I wasn't foolish enough to think that would be us from day 1. Sure there are some who seem to slide seamlessly into DD, but in those cases, I think the tendencies towards leadership and submission were already there. DD just put a structure around it.

We stumbled around a bit at first, mainly because we hadn't yet learned to communicate. Once we figured that out, things seemed to flow a little easier. We still hit an occasional bump, but we talked them through and got through them together. We hadn't quite reached the level of those couples I envied, but we were getting there.

Then we hit some major roadblocks. My sister and her kids moved in with us. Steve felt that it was too hard to maintain things with others in the house so he took DD off the table until they were gone. I didn't agree with that decision, but I accepted it. About the time they finally moved out, I found out I was pregnant so he was leery of bringing it back right then.

Then everything happened last year and Steve was so afraid of hurting me or making things worse that he would barely touch me. It drove me crazy. It felt like my life was spinning out of control and I craved the structure of DD. I also wanted to feel normal again and it's hard to do that when everyone treats you like you're made of glass.

Over the last few months, we've started to bring DD back. In some ways, it's like we're starting over from the very beginning. We have an advantage this time around because now we know how to communicate, but we're still stumbling a bit while we find our footing.

That is why I've decided to keep this blog going. While I admire those couples who seem to have it figured out, I suspect Steve and I aren't the only ones still stumbling around. I want those couples to see that they're not the only ones. I don't want them to give up hope because they haven't reached their goal in the time frame they envisioned.

I want newbies to see that it's okay if you don't get it right away or you have setbacks that lead to a do-over. I want them to realize that it's a journey and that any movement, even backtracking to figure out where you went wrong, is still progress.

I want the couples considering DD to see that it's not a magic pill that fixes everything as soon as you decide to incorporate it into your relationship. I want them to see that you have to be willing to commit and work hard together to make it work.