Monday, January 28, 2019

New Year, New Us

I haven't wrote here in quite a while. The truth is I really didn't have a whole lot to say. To make a long story short, I threw in the towel on DD last summer. I told Steve I couldn't deal with the on-again off-again any more and that I was taking back my consent. He didn't argue or try to change my mind.

In some ways, it was freeing. I no longer had to worry about rules or consequences or whether we were off or on this week. In other ways, it was scary. It was a whole new world without the boundaries of DD.

It took a little time to adjust and I have to admit I found myself missing it. It wasn't quite the same without it. We still talked, but it was more superficial than deep like it had been. The closeness and intimacy weren't as deep either.

A couple times I found myself wanting to go to Steve and tell him I made a mistake and wanted it back. But I stopped myself. In hindsight, I think I was waiting for a sign that he really wanted it since in the back of my mind, there's always been this thought that he was only doing it because I wanted it. So I stayed quiet.

Then one day last month, completely out of the blue, Steve said he wanted DD back. He apologized for not making it more of a priority these past couple years, said he didn't like the way we were without it, and promised that if I gave it another chance, he would make it more of a priority.

As much as I wanted to say yes, I worried that if I did, we'd just end up going right back to the way things were when I threw in the towel. So I told him I needed some time to think about it. He gave me some space and just before we rang in the new year, I told him okay. We've now been back at it for a month.

I was a little worried that it would take time to readjust to our roles and find our rhythm but we seem to have slipped right back into it without much trouble. It's a less rigid DD than it was in our early days when we first started, but we've changed a lot over the past seven years and it fits us now.

There are still occasional mishaps. A couple weeks ago, I landed myself in hot water over a meltdown. It wasn't the meltdown itself that got me spanked, but rather putting up a wall and refusing to talk about what triggered the meltdown. Or, as Steve called it, for being stubborn.

Yesterday, I got a warning swat for putting myself down and a threat of a full spanking if I kept it up. I hadn't realized it, but apparently I've been doing it a lot lately.